The Observatory: Superfluous Sightings

Writing this was how I passed the time when I was depressed yesterday. How do you explain mankind? Do you think we're accidental or deliberate? What really happened to the dinosaurs? Were they in our way? Are our space faring guardians watching over us, imperceptible in a sea of atrocious space junk? Is Bigfoot our celestial parent race's genetic experiment gone wrong? Are these questions ludicrous? Find out now on (hall echo:) the Observatory. The suggestion that dinosaurs were exterminated by human time travelers has been debunked merely on the grounds that we would need to have already survived the dinosaurs before we could alter the past. Yes, but how might we best survive them? Maybe in our original timeline, there was no mass extinction and dinosaurs lived alongside humans. Maybe we enslaved them and they rebelled, driving us deep into the caves. Ages might pass and whole generations might be eaten before we finally developed the powerful biochemical weapons we needed to defeat them and wound up poisoning the whole atmosphere. We'd come out on top, but stuck in uncomfortable gas masks and with all our food tasting like formaldehyde, we'd know that we'd have been better off without those fucking dinosaurs. As soon as we had our time machine, a cataclysmic air strike would be launched 65 million years into the past, with the aim of giving rise to precisely the kind of dinosaur free paradise we now so take for granted. I reject those far-fetched theories about an asteroid collision. UFO sightings and close encounters reported by astronauts are not evidence of extraterrestrial encounters but textbook symptoms of spatial dementia. In fact, weightlessness has intoxicating effects similar to those of nitrous oxide and can produce powerful hallucinations often of a religious or psychedelic nature. Star babies are natural and should never be confused with UFOs. Too wee to be visible from low altitudes, they are a new and cute discovery. Barely burst from Mother Sol, one eon they'll grow up and have satellites of their own, but for now, they'll amble through the solar system and play with the planets, aglow with youthful vibrancy. Other UFO sightings turn out to be simple radioactive smithereens that were blasted into orbit by nuclear detonations. You'd have to be crazy to mistake them for UFOs. The question persists: is Bigfoot an experimental hominid genetically engineered by aliens? In spite of extremely convincing computer animations, I must answer no. While this consideration may offer a compelling amendment to the popular 1970's hypothesis of an alien cyborg designed for security and hard labor, it dismisses far more believable explanations for the creature. What about wild bears? They smell terrible. They scare the hell out of you in the woods, blurring your vision and distorting your memory as you run for your life. Why turn it into science fiction? What if it's just a Morlock? Didn't they have that time machine for almost a fortnight? Giant footprints prove nothing. That's just an old trick to scatter trespassers. Lastly, if the beast is reclusive, I'm sure its ancestor would have avoided contact with prominent figures like King Gilgamesh, King David, and King Arthur respectively. Don't let those nuts get too carried away with their theories. That completes our transmission of today's report from (hall echo:) the Observatory. I'm Duncan Foyle.
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