Slander!

The commercial counts as an independent sub-script. I got the idea for this show by thinking about Saturday Night Live's slanderous Davelies sketch, but it could also have been sparked by their earlier violations of my image and copyright and shared in 2007. Slinger: Hey all you decadent slobs out there, get ready for another smutty round of utterly vicious character assassinations here on Slander! - where the names don't just hurt you, they flatten you with the force of a steamroller. I'm your new host, Mark Slinger. We have a high turnover in hosts here. Anyway, we're going to kick things off with Debra, who says she is having some trouble with her landlord. What's wrong, Debra? Debra: He won't wait for me to pay my rent at the end of every month. Slinger: The monster. And you won't agree to sleep with him, right? After he forced himself on you... Debra: No, he's a perfect gentleman. I didn't appreciate your backstage groping, though. Do you do that to your staff too? Slinger: What? I didn't lay a hand on you! Debra: I'm sure your camera recorded the whole thing. Slinger: She's lying! Get her out of here! (Debra is ushered off the stage.) Man, how do they find such horrible people for this show? Have they no concern for right and wrong? Folks, forget about that woman. She's obviously criminally insane, so we'll just move on to our next contestant, Earnest. Earnest, I hear someone owes you money and won't pay up. Earnest: Yes, I won a bet with my neighbour and I'm still waiting to collect on it. Slinger: The fiend. But that's the kind of behaviour you'd expect from a known felon, right? Earnest: No, he has a spotless record: twenty years as a prison guard. He still remembers when you served time for grand larceny in the nineties, though. Slinger: That's absurd. He must have me confused with someone else. Earnest: Actually, we were watching your show when he saw your face and he told me about it. Slinger: Well, he's wrong, okay? When was this? I just got here. I'm innocent, I tell you, and I won't have my image tarnished just because your deadbeat friend wants to confuse me with someone else. (Heavy sigh.) We'll be right back after this. Advertisement: Syntha-Shanks Artificial Meat Portions Is your vegetarian diet cheating you? Do you find yourself either idly dissolving a soggy cheerio on your tongue or drowning out the TV with the crunch of your salad? Omitting the meat ritual from your schedule can cause you to forget your place at the top of the food chain, making you twice as vulnerable to dog attacks. But you can compensate for it with Syntha-Shanks. Syntha-Shanks consist of a flavourless algae harvested from vats of tepid water. It browns naturally over time and folds neatly into cutlets, providing a fibrous, tissue rupturing bite so authentic, you'll think you're eating a real leg of lamb - as long as its covered in sauce. So stay on top with Syntha-Shanks you-won't-believe-they're-artificial meat portions. (A hot piece is tossed to a dog that sniffs it on the ground and rejects it.) Slinger: We're back with Simon, who works as a hospital orderly in the maximum security wing where they're holding that notorious serial offender. Simon, is it true that he drinks his own urine? Simon: (after squinting for a moment) Marcia! I didn't recognize you at first. Wow, those hormone treatments truly work wonders. Slinger: All right, that's enough. I've had it with all these damn ruinous insinuations! You don't want to win, you just want to topple the host! What kind of a show is this? This is the producers' fault! They appeal to our lowest impulses to boost their profits and they're turning us into a bunch of degenerates! Degenerates, I say! Like them! They want to enslave us! Their greed is insatiable! (Enter a towering crewman.) What is it? Crewman: The producers just told me to tell you you're fired. Slinger: Just like that? Can't I finish the show? Crewman: You must leave the premises at once. Slinger: (storming off) Fine! I'm better off being rejected by such a stupid, destructive show! Simon: (waving) Bye, Marcia. Slinger: Go to Hell! (Loud cheers as Slinger exits, followed by the messenger.) Simon: I guess that's it for Slander! this week, but until next time, we won't forget it was you who burned down the church.
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© 2016. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.